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Finally, the gummy pork and pasta we’ve waited our whole lives for

There are a lot of different ways to start your workday. This was an unexpected one:

“Stop by for some gummy bacon, hot dogs and macaroni.”

That came from the desk of Jen Ellis, our traffic manager and development coordinator, whose visit to Five Below yielded a chewy breakfast buffet.

For background, Kraft Heinz and Chicago-based Frankford Candy — responding to the unquenchable American desire to combine beloved foods that are terrible for your health — created Oscar Mayer Gummy Bacon, Oscar Mayer Gummy Hot Dogs, and Kraft Mac & Cheese Gummies.

So, because we live in a state that appreciates its bacon and Radio Milwaukee is here for the people, we decided to perform a public service and try it (along with its friends) so you don’t have to. Or do! Maybe it’s actually good, who knows?

By the time the morning was over, we knew. Curiosity ultimately got the better of people, and they shared their thoughts with Jen like they were rolling a chardonnay around in their mouth. Except gummier. Here are the verdicts, starting with the … let’s say skeptics.

Erin Bagatta: Gross! These are repulsive. I will pass on all of them!

Tarik Moody: No! No! No! Those look gross.

DJ Brüwer: I’m okay, thank you so much.

Britney Freeman-Farr: No thanks. Gelatin is lard-based, a derivative of pork or different animal hooves. But if I had to try any, I would have tried the bacon.

Oscar Mayer Gummy Bacon

Brett Krzykowski: This is the only one I hope is salty. Oh, “Fruit Flavored Gummies” right on the front of the package. Hopes dashed.

Dan Reiner: It’s smooth but slippery — or greasy, if you will.

Erin Wolf: Faint pineapple Lifesavers flavor, here. Overall, the best texture of the three — like a thicker Fruit Roll-Up but with less vibrant flavor (and more sticky?). I’ll take the Roll-Up.

Matt Blanchard: Oh wow! I don’t know how to describe it. It’s sticky and wet, like there’s bacon grease on it. Once I got over the plastic flavor, it tasted good, like strawberry candied bacon. 

Oscar Mayer Gummy Hot Dogs

Brett Krzykowski: It’s not even cylindrical.

Kyle Heller: Like a flat turd.

Dan Reiner: Very chewy. Am I tasting cherry? Or is that knockwurst?

Erin Wolf: It’s like I’m eating an earthworm that’s been left out on a rain-soaked sidewalk. AND a Jell-O that’s been left out on the table overnight. Still getting that faint pineapple Lifesavers vibe.

Matt Blanchard: … It tastes like the plastic pumpkin candy bucket that’s on your desk.

Mallorey Wallace: It’s unsettling and odd. Thinking about the hot dog and texture, I don’t like it!

Kraft Mac & Cheese Gummies

Erin Wolf: These are a little tough! After chewing for a (long) while, you’re left with a little pineapple Lifesavers flav. Meh.

Jen Ellis: It’s a bit chewy. There was not a hint of cheese flavor to the gummies that I thought I tasted after eating the first one. Has more of a fruity tangerine flavor.

Dan Reiner: Have you ever taken gum out of your mouth, put it down, then placed it back in your mouth and continued chewing many minutes later? It’s like that.

Matt Blanchard: If you bite into a tube of toothpaste, that’s what it tastes like. Very plastic-like.

Official final rankings

  1. Oscar Mayer Gummy Bacon
  2. None
  3. (tie) Oscar Mayer Gummy Hot Dogs, Kraft Mac & Cheese Gummies